Friday, May 27, 2011

Horndean not to go it alone

An artist's impression of how the new city might look 

Parish Councillors in Horndean have voted against a move which may have ultimately led to Horndean being given 'Town' status.

Councillor Noel Brainer speaking on behalf of the council told Newswire: "The whole thing would simply be a waste of money and, in any event, we don't believe it would delay the inevitable..."

Cllr Brainer refers to the widely held belief that Bedhampton, Havant, Denvilles, Leigh Park, Rowlands Castle, Waterlooville, Cowplain, Wecock Farm and Horndean are destined to be merged to form a city.

On the east of the A3M, Bedhampton, Havant, Denvilles, Leigh Park and Rowlands Castle already blur into one large estate referred to by planners as Greater Leigh Park. Whilst west of the A3M Waterlooville, Wecock Farm, Cowplain and Horndean also form a similar conglomeration.

A spokesperson for Hampshire Planning Authority, who asked not to be named but was more than happy to accept another drink, told Newswire: "The merger and elevation to city status is certainly on the cards.

"Cities normally evolve high levels of crime, drug use, enclaves of benefit claimants and facilities that are falling into disrepair.

"Leigh Park City or Benefitsville, we have yet to decide on a final name, will already have all this in spades. 

"One also has to be able to look forward and see how the new city will be able to sustain itself, and and for this we look to the northeast corner where, in the Rowlands Castle suburb, the city can make its fortune in oil."

All of the constituent regions were left outside the boundary of the recently accredited area of untouchable natural beauty; the South Downs National Park (SDNP).

This has heaped pressure on these areas for development. On the up-side there would be less red tape when it comes to setting up the oil drilling station and refinery upon which the city may well depend.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Going private

A Hampshire nurse yesterday.
Please note this nurse is not actually stationed in Havant

An ambulance driver is looking to track down a man who caught her eye while responding to an emergency call in Sheet over the weekend.

The ambulance driver, Dee Fibrilator from Leigh Park, was impressed by the man who offered to move his shiny, new, and very expensive, Range Rover for her on Saturday.

Nurse Fibrilator told Newswire: "Look, I know it's a family car and the chap is almost certainly married, but he must be absolutely minted, and I just wondered if he fancied a shag.

"There's plenty of room in the back of the ambulance, and whenever I'm in the area I'll be wearing my uniform so hopefully he'll be in touch.

“As you can imagine the NHS pay is crap, and to make ends meet I like to go private whenever I can.”
One of Nurse Fibrilator's Havant colleagues
who was more than happy to pose 
If you are the owner of the Range Rover (or Nurse Fibrilator has asked us to make clear, any expensive car) and you want some emergency ‘private’ treatment, contact Nurse Fibrilator on 999.

Monday, May 23, 2011

Sheet villagers enraptured

It’s a sign

East Hampshire District Council (EHDC) has been left in financial dire straits after the world failed to end on May 21.

In an effort to appease the village-folk of Sheet, EHDC agreed to impose a range of expensive traffic measures in the village, and they did this on the understanding that they would never actually have to foot the bill.

Changes were put in place which, it is claimed, will stop the northern part of Sheet village being used by motorists who are "just passing through".

Vehicles travelling south along London Road from Rake towards Petersfield cannot now turn right down Village Lane and additional road blocks have been set up in Farnham Road, Inmans Lane and Town Lane. A guard tower has also been erected beside the old chestnut tree to enforce the changes.

Most of the expense has been incurred, however, across London Road in southern Sheet where Pulens Lane has been reinforced and resurfaced.

The once quiet lane that runs north beside historic Sheet Mill will be applying for Motorway status. This will in turn pave the way for a service station to be opened up on the Heath, an idea put forward by The Big School who, since school improvements, now have an on-site oil refinery.

Petersfield Town Council's spokesperson for roads, Emma Huan, told Newswire: "We obviously thought it would never actually happen, what with the world ending and everything.

"Now ‘Rapturing’, as I understand it is known, has failed to take place, we are left with a ruddy great roadworks bill. On the up-side we can push through with the service station idea to try to recoup some dosh."

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Picture which says "Hello! We're still alive!"

Villagers gather for the self-aggrandising picture

Villagers in a small community just outside of Petersfield gathered together for a group photograph to send to the local press after deciding nothing newsworthy was likely to happen there in 2011.

Residents of Celeb-by-Proxy held a coffee morning, a raffle, bade farewell to a retiring district nurse, appointed a new vicar, planted a tree, presented a charity with an oversized cheque for £9.56, grew a large marrow and waved off a posh kid on a year’s round-the-world trip funded by gullible readers of the Petersfield Proust, all to justify having a picture taken for the local media.

General busybody and retired primary school teacher Lettie Yourself-Down organised the photoshoot after she felt she was losing her matriarchal position in village society to the “hussy from number 22” who had started giving home-made jam to her neighbours.

Ms YD, as she’s known throughout her garden, explained: “It’s very important for a community like ours to feel we are getting something back for our high council tax banding. 

“We move to the countryside to leave the cities and towns behind and forget about them – but it’s not right that they should forget about us. After all, where would they be without our 4x4s at Pony Club meets and those sneering looks when they come for a drink at our local pub?

“So to justify our existence – mainly to ourselves – we posed for a picture and sent it off to the local media. They’re bound to use it to fill a hole and it will make me feel very important once more.”

A spokesman for the local newspaper said: “We were delighted to receive the picture as we had no idea this village existed. According to the War Office, there was a community there once but it was requisitioned in 1940 as a training base for black-and-white film actors.

“Apparently John Mills and Trevor Howard were stationed there for a few months in the run up to the 1947 classic So Well Remembered. And we understand Mario Lanza used to sing in the pub for a few pennies.

“It would certainly explain why the picture we were sent was taken with a Box Brownie.”

Monday, May 16, 2011

For Flecks Sake! An angel speaks…

An angry angel yesterday 

Angels across the world – and heaven - have hit back at suggestions that they look like specks of dust.

“We’ve got bloody great wings and everything!” ranted Gabriel Godsmate, communications officer for the World Angels Network Corporation (WANC). “When we deign to come down for a worldly visitation, you’ll know all about it – all right?”

Gabriel was forced to speak out after an ungodly furore broke out as Petersfield photographer Len Scapstillon tried to cover up just how crap his pictures were by claiming “Maybe, er, angels got in the way…”

Mr Scapstillon had taken a series of out of focus photographs at an awards ceremony for young footballers and was horrified to discover that, not only were the award winners miles in the distance, but the huge space around them was full of dust flecks reflecting light.

 Two specks of dust yesterday

He confessed: “As my wife is an ‘angel therapist’, we came up with a plan to not only cover up my shortcoming as a photographer but to get a free plug for her business – which, strangely, doesn’t seem to be taking off as we’d hoped.

“I thought it sounded a bit flaky but unbelievably the Petersfield Proust printed the lot across nearly a whole page – and even plugged my flimsy excuses on the front page!

“I couldn’t believe it but maybe it’s the angels at work.”

Godsmate was heard to flap his wings and mutter “For flecks sake…”

Friday, May 13, 2011

No light at end of tunnel furore

Outraged people with nothing to fill their day have been upset by being unable to purchase something they can get for free in a few weeks.

Residents living near the soon-to-be-opened Hindhead tunnel are disgusted – nay outraged! – that they are unable to buy tickets to walk through the tunnel this Saturday.

The £271m project, which opens this summer, opens for one day only on May 14, to allow members of the public to walk through. But health and safety concerns mean only one person will be allowed through every half-hour and this has sparked outrage among local residents who have been unable to claim a place among the lucky few.

Threats have even been made to tunnel staff, with one man being told: “I’m going to yell something rude at you on Saturday.”

The Hindhead Engineering Long-hole Project Users Society (HELP US) is an association consisting of eight agencies who are involved in, or who have an interest in the A3 tunnel project and they have been receiving huge numbers of complaints from people with nothing better to do.

Sue Icidal, chairman of the group, has been dealing with the outraged members of the public.

She said: “Don’t they have better things to concern themselves with? I mean, in a couple of weeks they can drive through the damned thing for free!”

The 4,000 tickets available online sold out far faster than the Hindhead team had expected, with people waiting hours on their computers while porn sites loaded in the background as they attempted to fill their long and lifeless days.

Cam Payne, the president of Petersfield Residents Against Things (PRATS), had not been aware of an issue – but is now equally outraged.

He said: “I wasn’t aware of an issue previously but this is just the sort of thing I like to get upset about – something that to an outsider looks like a complete waste of time, effort and emotion. I’ve already prepared a placard and am happy to travel anywhere to protest this or any other thing.”

A spokesman for contractor Big Tunnels R Us said: “Are they serious?”

And in other news in this week’s Petersfield Proust:
  • A photographer claims aliens ruined his pictures; and
  • A man is inconvenienced in a car park

Monday, May 09, 2011

Sorry No News Today

Incredibly popular on Twitter today

We were going to do a spoof story about Ewan McGregor, Jeremy Clarkson, Jemima Khan, Jeremy Vine or Ryan Giggs, all of whom seem to be getting a lot of hits on Twitter today … but we don't know why.

Thursday, May 05, 2011

Petersfield residents now have tunnel vision

After months of digging, workers have finally surfaced at the northern end of the East Havantshire Money Tunnel, see picture above.

The new 14-mile funds pipe is the first joint infrastructure from the merged councils of East Hampshire and Havant, as reported last year by Petersfield Newswire.

The tunnel is designed to suck wealth, funding and investment from the Petersfield area and channel it to Havant, fulfilling a central pledge of the new council's leadership.

Council spokesman Owen Fortunes explained: "With its Northern Portal located immediately outside Barclays, this is a convenient way for people in Petersfield to send their money to Havant without ever having to go there.

"We are confident that local taxpayers will appreciate the way we've spent their money building something that will take even more of their money away."

All money is supposed to spill out at the southern end of the tunnel in Havant town centre, although a man called Keith is understood to have intercepted it under his house in Leigh Park.

Wednesday, May 04, 2011

Petersfield project wins national award

The rising pile of litter is clearly visible behind the skatepark fence

Petersfield’s skatepark has entered the record books within six months of opening – for the amount of litter it has generated.

Officials from the Government’s Department of Really Untidy Places have confirmed the amount of litter produced in the last six months has topped that of the previous record holder Trafalgar Square.

The announcement came after Tony Robinson’s Time Team crew was called in to Love Lane on Sunday to excavate Petersfield Town Football Club’s stadium from under an increasing pile of fast-food containers, drinks cartons, lycra shirts and Marvel comics, in time for one of the club’s biggest annual events.

A spokesman for Petersfield Town Council said: “We are delighted the skatepark has received official recognition and this is testament to the effort we put in to ensuring the project went ahead despite opposition from NIMBYs, for whom this latest accolade must be a real blow.

“This is only the second occasion the Time Team programme has visited Petersfield and it helps to put the town on the map. The subsequent spin-offs are good for the town too.

“The number of seagulls circling overhead enables visiting skateboarders to find the skate park easily, plus we are able to employ another 16 refuse collectors on a permanent basis for the Love Lane recreation field alone.

“What’s more, once Tony Robinson and his team had rediscovered the town’s football club underneath the detritus they also found Shergar and Lord Lucan. The town’s museum will benefit exponentially.”

A spokesman for the town’s football club, who had been reported missing for six days underneath the burgeoning morass, emerged to say: “We share the council’s delight at this award. It has really helped put us on the map.

"The young people visiting are always leaving fast-food containers or losing their expensive trainers, while the 30-somethings who use the site lose their dignity and a large amount of unkempt facial hair.

“The combination of all these things is second-to-none and the council should be congratulated for having the initiative to hide one of the resident waste-paper bins around the corner out-of-sight. It only encourages the visitors to dump more on the ground when the main bin is full. Absolute genius!”