Friday, December 31, 2010

That was the year that was

In traditional 'we-can't-be-arsed-to-find-any-real-news' tabloid-style journalism, here our 14-year-old work-experience public schoolboy compiles a reminder of the things brought to you by Petersfield Newswire during 2010.

Let's call it 20/10 vision ... for want of a better phrase.

Happy new year to all our reader(s).

In January we told you how the entire world was cut off from Petersfield because of a bit of snow.

February saw some new categories announced in the 2010 Petersfield in Bloom competition.

In March, a plethora of planning applications threatened to turn Petersfield into the Manhattan of the south ... and more importantly endangered the ladder against the tree in the Causeway.

As election fever started to hit Petersfield in April, one local candidate claimed Chapel Street was becoming like "a northern Chav estate..."

Petersfield was revealed as a crime 'hot-spot' in May, while in June the Petersfield Proust upset readers with its expose of a drugs factory at Bojangles School.

The requisite qualifications for a town traffic warden were announced in July, while plans for a Petersfield motorisation day were announced in August.

September saw the first alternative best in Petersfield awards, while in October, the much-criticised Post Office inaugurated an innovative, multi-tiered queuing system.

In one of 12 slow-news months, November saw the long-awaited announcement from Prince William and Kate Middleton that they would be unable to marry in Petersfield.

And finally, Santa fell foul of The White Hart's new parking restrictions in December as the ghost of profiteering present made an unwelcome appearance.

Graffiti update...

LATEST: More graffiti has appeared overnight in Petersfield - this time, the target of the 'street art', one Brian *********, has been accused of being a 'cad'.

Police are considering the possibility of exhuming the body of popular comedy actor Terry-Thomas in their search for clues.

However, his family are likely to resist any such moves, with a spokesman saying the police were "an absolute shower!".

The police are an "absolute shower!"

Thursday, December 30, 2010

What ho! Graffiti outbreak hits Petersfield

An outbreak of wanton well-spoken, Victorian-style graffiti has hit Petersfield.

Police are investigating a series of messages sprayed all across the town each bearing the tell-tale individual stylings of one unknown miscreant.

The first appeared on the wall of the former pub Thw White Hart, soon to be turned into a tidy profit.

The graffiti read: “Brian ********* is a crook”. And although the sprayed words were soon painted over by a local firm of defamatory graffiti removal men, similar phrases have appeared elsewhere.

Brian ******** has subsequently been described as a blackguard (on the wall of the Taro Centre); a rapscallion (at the town’s railway station); a scoundrel (in Rams Walk); a damned swine (on the library notice board); a bounder (on six people in the Post Office queue); a ‘bargain hunter’ (on the wall of Matt Tress’ haberdashery shop – sale now on!); a charlatan (on all take-away coffee cups at Costa Coffee); and a ‘vile oaf’ (on the sign above VI Loaf Bakery).

Inspector Broom of the Yard, explained: “This is an unusual outbreak. Normally graffiti falls into two categories: the ‘such-and-such is a w****r’ variety, or the ‘BC 4 AF’ style which often uses a badly-drawn love-heart.

This latest outbreak appears to come from a different type of artist, maybe from the ‘positivist age’, where such words were not uncommon.

“As a humble copper, it is not within my bounds of authority to criticise graffiti in a context of aesthetics or the theory of beauty, merely the pursuit of a rational basis for graffiti appreciation.

“The variety of graffiti movements has resulted in a division into different disciplines, each using vastly different criteria for their judgments. Now then, now then…”

Using a skilled psychological criminal profiler police now have a firm idea of the sort of man they are looking for.

Police have issued this photofit picture of the sort of man they are looking for.

He is believed to be around 130-150 years old, probably wearing a stovepipe hat, with a long tailcoat, waistcoat and a fob watch. He is also likely to be adorned with mutton-chop whiskers and carrying an ornate walking cane.

A man who earns a living as an Isambard Kingdom Brunel lookalike is currently helping police with their enquiries.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Santa’s best-sleighed plans in disarray

Present delivery proves a drag for Santa this year

Many of Petersfield’s children failed to receive gifts yesterday as Santa was prevented from making his delivery by an over-zealous parking attendant.

A distraught Santa explained: “I only touched down very briefly outside what used to be the White Hart pub; I have to make my deliveries at very high speeds you understand.

“I can’t have been there for any longer than about a hundredth of a second and, would you believe it, I was clamped.

“I travel so fast I am normally imperceptible to the human eye, but these people are pretty quick off the mark. This has never happened before. Who could be so heartless as to clamp Father Christmas?

“I feel so sorry for the children; it really is terribly bad luck. My reindeer and I completed our round using my spare sleigh, but I certainly wasn’t going to spend another moment in Petersfield.”

The parking enforcement officer insisted he was simply following orders and felt no remorse for his actions.

“Remorse?” he said. “Wha zat mean? He parked din he? He stopped, an e shun’t ‘ave. ‘E told me ‘e was goin’ straight off, but vey all say dat. ‘E parked up and now ‘as to pay ve fine.

“An’ ‘is bleedin’ sheep crapped on ve car park.”

Friday, December 24, 2010

Merry Christmas to our reader ...

Many thanks to all our followers and readers who have voted us the top website called Petersfield Newswire in the recent Top Site Called Petersfield Newswire Awards 2010, in association with Petersfield Newswire.

We couldn’t have done it without you. Actually that’s tosh! Clearly we could … and did. But the sentiment’s there.

Just who are the men behind the Newswire?
Maybe this candid shot from the office party will give a clue

Anyway, happy Christmas and thanks for your support which has given us the will to keep going throughout 2010 and into 2011. We may even take local advertising next year so if you’re interested in supporting us drop a line to

If you want to support us but don’t have a business to plug, drop us a line anyway and we’ll tell you where to send food and drink…

And don't forget if you think you know who one of us is, you can approach us in the street and say: "I think you're a member of the Petersfield Newswire team and here's my £10 donation." Not forgetting of course, to make the £10 donation. We're sorry, we no longer accept cheques but Port and whisky are always appreciated.

Have a good one.

Clint, Frank, DJ, Cyrano and Plato.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Christmas calamity

 The signs are not good

Children across Britain are set to be disappointed this Christmas as a disgruntled Santa admits he will not be able to deliver all presents.

In the grips of a record-breaking cold spell, there are no flights, and no flights means no sleigh.

Newswire asked Santa, does this really include him?

"Of course it does,” he said. "Who do you think I am Paul ruddy Daniels?

"The reindeer need a bit of a run up to get airborne and whilst that's okay in Lapland, I'm afraid in Britain you have the wrong type of snow. Ask Railtrack.

“I cannot afford to land here and then not get up again; the rest of the world will miss out on this once-a-year gift fest.”

We pointed out to Santa that he had an unblemished record, never having missed a Christmas delivery before. Didn't he have any feelings for the young children who would have to go without their Nintendos and Wiis this Yuletide?

"Bollocks!" he  exclaimed. "The kids are spoilt these days any way.

"Nobody leaves me out any port and mince pies any more so stuff the lot of them."

Monday, December 20, 2010

Churches may foot bill for 'illegal parking'

 Penny Pinching

East Hampshire District Council has hit upon a unique way of boosting its flagging finances – it’s started clamping illegally parked piles of snow in its car parks.

Penny Pinching, the council’s finance officer, explained: “At a hastily convened council meeting, a resolution was passed to treat piles of snow as we would any other illegally parked item.

“Admittedly the wheelclamps have had to be modified slightly but at £400 per day we believe that, across all our parks, we will soon have sufficient funds to send all our officers and councillors on a free ‘fact-finding mission’ to the Caribbean before any more snow falls.”

Ms Pinching accepted that the policy might be difficult to enforce but insisted the full force of civil law would be brought to bear on transgressors.

She added: “One might imagine that ownership of the snow might be difficult to substantiate, but if it has been piled up by an individual or corporation then that person or corporation is culpable and will be fined accordingly.

“And if ownership can not be proved in this realm then we will simply bill all the local churches, for if they believe in and worship God, then it is only right and proper they are prepared to pay His debts.

“The charges will accumulate on a daily basis because extensive research has shown us that towing away snow is like trying to nail water to a wall.”

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Petersfield prices hit all-time high

 Trey Dingstandards is thorough in his research

Beer and coffee prices have hit an all-time high in Petersfield with some bars charging as much as £5 a pint … and the beer’s not cheap either.

While the Petersfield Proust wastes time reporting on the rising costs of fuel, your finger-on-the-pulse Petersfield Newswire team has been checking out the prices of the things that matter to you, our readers.

And we can confirm that when you go out for your Christmas drinkies with friends and colleagues you will be paying more than ever before.

Petersfield’s consumer champion, Trey Dingstandards, explained: “Prices have traditionally gone up down the years … or is it down up the years? I can never remember. “Anyway they have reached an all-time high in time for Christmas, which is unfair on the consumer because that’s when they want to get p***ed the most.”

One public house in Petersfield was charging the equivalent of money for a pint of bitter, while a familiar High Street coffee chain was prepared to exchange gold bullion for small packets of Scottish shortbread.

Dingstandards, who has spent a large part of his career sampling alcohol for consumer research, added: “D’ya know what? I wouldn’t bother. Just leave it. She’s not worth it. You’re my best friend. I love you. Anybody fancy a kebab?”

But jeweller and haberdasher Matt Tress, a spokesman for Petersfield’s Independent Shop Staffs and Office Force (PISSOF), defended the policy and slated the Newswire.

He said: “This is capitalism. Market forces dictate the prices. That’s why turkeys go up in price in December, ice cream prices rise in the summer and why Katie Price’s books automatically get sent to the remainder bins at the overstock outlets.

“This is the biggest waste of a journalist’s time since The Snooze, in Portsmouth, dedicated its entire front page to the shocking revelation that roses cost more in the run-up to Valentine’s Day.

“Incidentally, have I mentioned I’ve knocked 25 per cent off all my stock in the run up to Christmas? I’ve also got some frozen geese, ducks and even a swan in the freezer out back. Just knock three times and ask for Lionel…”

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Freedom to slash

A Lib-Dem MP makes a promise to a constituent

Petersfield councillors are celebrating after being given the ‘freedom’ to slash their own services.

The Con-Dem coalition government is planning to ‘empower’ local councils to ‘get more for less’ - shortly after decimating spending on everything from schools to skate parks and libraries to lesbian drop-in centres.

If services have to be cut ministers have generously told councils “No, you tell them…”

And Lib-Dem councillors – who were previously opposed to slashing public services – are now backing the move as “a victory for localism”.

Cllr Philip Flop, who signed a pledge to protect Petersfield from cuts before the last election, said: “This is a victory for localism.”

He added: “We Liberals have always wanted a little bit of power and now we’ve got it we intend to use it. I may even sack myself…”

Petersfield’s Tory MP Damian Hindsight said: “It’s nothing to do with me, all decisions on local spending are down to the council.”

Monday, December 13, 2010

Row breaks out over Petersfield 'tweet and greet'

Bush telegraph 
A war of words has broken out between two groups of Petersfield ‘tweeters’ – each laying claim to the sobriquet.

Last Thursday evening a group of individuals who use the social network site Twitter met in The George for what they described as a “Tweetersfield Tweet-up”.

And over the weekend birdwatchers from across the south gathered in Moggs Mead and turned their cameras and long lenses on a tree in search of an elusive specimen. They also claimed to be attending a “Tweetersfield Tweet-up”.

Word spread quickly Friday evening and Saturday morning that the rarest of species, a lesser-spotted, working-class waxwing, had been spotted in the town and dozens of people with nothing to do and too much money to do it with arrived in the town clutching their expensive cameras, and wearing fatigues and wide-brimmed hats.

A spokesman for the latter insisted they were the only group entitled to use the word ‘tweet’.

He said: “As bird-watching has been around for hundreds of years surely ‘tweet’ is our province. These Johnny-come-latelies with their inter-web chitter-chatter should call themselves something else otherwise it gets confusing.

“Two of our members rushed into The George on Thursday night, cameras at the ready, believing somebody might have spotted a drink for under £4. And on Saturday morning a teenager with his underwear clearly visible over the waistband of his denim trousers frightened off the waxwings with his constant typing of inane messages on some fruit-based mobile phone.

“The working-class waxwing is hardly ever spotted this close to the Surrey commuter belt. We feel the group may have been blown off course by the hot air generated by the letter writers of the Petersfield Proust. They perched in the trees looking aghast at the richness of comestibles available on the various bird tables.

“Such working-class species are used only to scraps, not smoked salmon blinis. It was a big day for us. Our missing members will be heartbroken and it’s all down to this other group.”

A spokesperson for the social-networking group – which allows messages of up to 140 characters to be sent anywhere in the world – explained: “We all use the Twitter service and our messages are known as Tweets. This fitted in with the words ‘Petersfield’ and ‘meet’, so naturally we (message truncated)

The driver of a four-wheel drive BMW, held up by the overspill of bird-watchers in Moggs Mead added: “I don’t know about Tweeting, but if they don’t get out of my bloody way I’m going to start twatting some of ‘em in a minute…”

Thursday, December 09, 2010

Not medium rare - firm to soft

Horse meat could become part of our stable diet

This week's Petersfield Proust is offering you the chance to win a share of a racehorse, a wonderful prize at this time of year.

Following the vicious cold snap and the death of Bernard Matthews, turkeys are harder to come by this year, and, as Christmas nears, there is expected to be a shortage of the festive birds.

Adverts around Petersfield offer townsfolk the chance to hunt down their own turkeys at a free-range turkey shoot. Champagne and mince pies included, the fun day out costs only £120.

The price may put this option out of the reach of some families at the rough end of town, towards Havant, down near the trailer park, and in recognition of this The Proust has come up with an inspirational alternative.

We asked one passer-by what he thought and he told us: "The French have always eaten horse; I don't see a problem with it.

"So long as you don't mind growing excess hair under your arms, smelling and running away at the drop of un chapeau, it could be a welcome addition to your diet.”

Tuesday, December 07, 2010

Spy scandal hits Petersfield

Signal flag clearly visible near to the back of the Pilates Gym 

Newswire can report that a network of spies is working in the centre of Petersfield.

It is understood the spies are passing information to Midhurst Town Council and that it is possible that they were instrumental in ensuring that Midhurst would be the location of the South Downs administrative head office.

It would appear the spy ring proved so invaluable to Petersfield’s rival town that Midhurst officials are continuing to employ these underhand snitches to feed back valuable information for shopkeepers in the potentially profitable run-up to Christmas.

A double-agent, happy to take a back-hander from Newswire could not divulge much information, but pointed out a signal system positioned in the gardens at the back of Waitrose car park. This is clearly visible to the public and is positioned next to the Pilates gym.

We are reliably informed that the spy leaving the messages is codenamed “Pugwash”.

The flag currently hoisted is the black and yellow quartered maritime flag which represents the letter “L”. When used as a stand-alone communication, the flag conveys the message: “Please stop.I have something important to communicate to you”.

This could be a sign that the spies are getting careless, blatantly leaving messages that any old sailor or boy scout could interpret.

If any of our readers can provide any further information that will help us to expose these miscreants please contact us and let us know.

Wednesday, December 01, 2010

'Young couple' denied chance to do 'something interesting'

A 'young couple' not wholly dissimilar to the 'young couple'
not involved in 'something interesting' yesterday

Civil rights campaigners have protested after a ‘young couple’ in Petersfield were prohibited from doing ‘something interesting’ which would have been worthy of a front-page story in the local press.

Gil Fordfour, a human rights lawyer who previously defended the Tamworth Two, insists the young couple – known as the ‘young couple’ for legal reasons – were all set to do something which would finally have generated some genuine news in Petersfield.

But, he says, local media chiefs prevented the ‘something interesting’ from happening as they already had their front pages allocated to a story about a frozen chicken in Steep and a dispute over an illuminated shop sign which involved two advertisers.

Fordfour explained: “It was clear from my off-the-record discussions with the local newspapers in Petersfield that they felt ‘something interesting’of this magnitude would have necessitated the launch of a third weekly newspaper. And they weren’t prepared to entertain that thought.

“It’s a sad day for human rights when this ‘young couple’ can’t do their ‘something interesting’ and get the publicity they were seeking.”

Local media commentator Meeja Hor explained: “The ‘young couple’ in question were entitled to the publicity they craved but they chose the wrong town. Neither local paper was prepared to shift their agreed front-page lead, local magazine Petersfield Wife was chatting to an interior designer and local radio station Faulty FM was on half-day closing.

“Although in a town the size of Petersfield there is clearly a need for three weekly newspapers the current economic climate prevents anybody from challenging the might of the Petersfield Proust and the Petersfield Hear-all.

“Residents can rest assured that this week’s papers will be full of the same local guff they always are: pictures of old people lining up, letters of ill-informed complaint and quotes from the same publicity-hungry traders.

"If you want to discover more about the ‘young couple’ doing something interesting you should read the national newspapers – they’re really struggling for news on rich kids asking for sponsorship to take a year off.”

Local human-rights campaigner and roof specialist Peter Thatchall was unavailable for comment.